Chapter Three: The Past is Never Far

Scars are souvenirs you’ll never lose

Past is never far

Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?

Did you get to be a star?

Don’t it make you sad to know that life

Is more than who we are?

-”Name” by the Goo Goo Dolls

Chapter Three: The Past is Never Far

Edward felt he needed some time away from Bella to focus on his task at-hand: getting some shots of the harbor and surrounding area. It would certainly help to keep his mind off things, things that centered wholly on Bella and on his father.

When he had been called with an assignment based on the San Juan Islands, he jumped at the chance to finally meet, albeit for the second time, the girl who’d captured his memories and dreams for all these years. I could kill two birds with one stone, he thought. But it would be more than two birds in this case, since he was on another mission-- one that his father had planned all along without Edward’s knowledge.

Edward was still actively mourning the loss of his beloved father, Carlisle. Head of the ER at Harborview Medical Center for years, Dr. Cullen had made many friends and helped a great deal of people both in and out of the hospital. His philanthropic activities, aided in part by Edward’s mother, Esme, had placed them both on Seattle’s social map. When Edward was a child, he’d looked up to his father, wanting to be a doctor just like him. After that fateful day that changed his life forever, however, photography became his passion.

His parents were fully supportive in his sudden interest in taking pictures. They bought him cameras, equipment, and attended countless group and solos shows throughout high school and college. He was happy for the most part.

But through it all, through countless years of schooling, friends, girlfriends and life itself, there was something nagging in the back Edward’s mind. There was something about the set of dark brown eyes in his dreams that drove him to seek them out at every turn.

Even though he always knew of her existence, remembering her sad eyes, and haunting voice through the photographs on Carlisle’s desk over the years and his memory of their connection, Bella was never topic of conversation. Carlisle never knew of the connection his son had made with the girl that night, and Edward held on to that secret; it was something that belonged to him and him alone. Telling his parents would do nothing to change things, so he kept the encounter close to his heart, afraid to break its spell by knowing too much of her. She was perfect in his mind, as sad and afraid as she had been when he saw her, spoke to her. 

He was fooling himself into thinking that going out to take pictures this morning would take his mind off her, especially since his whole career had taken root, thanks to Bella. She didn’t know how much influence she had on her guest, but Edward was hoping that would change during his stay. 

As he walked the area surrounding the property, he snapped shots of the glassy water, a sweeping bald eagle hunting for fish, a seaplane slowly hovering over the harbor to land and dock. It’s a very beautiful, peaceful place, he observed. Somehow, he believed this place fit her. She belonged among the green, the silence: a place that time had forgotten. His father would’ve loved it here. In fact, if Edward would’ve known this place existed back then, he would’ve insisted on bringing him here for the last days of his life.

Carlisle had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a year ago. It was a huge blow to his family and to the community who knew and loved him. Knowing the cancer had a very low survival rate, Carlisle had vehemently decided against treatment, opting instead to live out the rest of his life in peace at home with his family. Esme resigned herself to her husband’s decision, but Edward had argued with his father to consider fighting for more time. Edward recalled what his father told him time and time again.

“Edward, life is not about time. Time’s something you can’t control. Life is what matters. How you play it out for yourself and for others is what matters. Live your life taking each second in and savoring it. Why bother for more time only to suffer instead of live it? I don’t regret one single moment of my life, Son.”

And with that, Edward had no fight left in him. He resigned himself to his father’s decision, learning from him, even at the end of his life. The last month or so, Edward had taken a leave of absence from his work to be there for his mother, while spending time at his father’s bedside. They talk about everything under the sun, but Carlisle always enjoyed listening to Edward’s stories from his photography assignments-- where he’d gone, what he’d seen. Edward saw his father’s eyes light up each time he’d describe the scenery, the people he’d meet, the culture around him, and he knew his father was pleased with his accomplishments.

Not once, however, did Carlisle ever mention Bella. It was like his father’s secret mission, choosing to not divulge the details of his connection to her. Edward realized his father and he were more alike than he ever thought. They both kept Bella close to their heart, wanting to save that little snippet of their lives for themselves-- not wanting to share it with anyone else.

As he strolled along trails close to the shore, he spotted several harbor seals bobbing their heads out of the water playfully. In all his travels, Edward had never experienced the complete stillness like he found here in this place. There was no sound other than the birds and the lone seaplane taking off. The island could quickly become his favorite place to escape.

As he continued, his stomach growled loudly, and he realized he’d been out for a few hours without stopping to eat. Although he had a protein bar in his bag, he knew it wouldn’t hold off the hunger for long, and either way, he wanted to take a break and maybe a nap. He was hoping to catch the sunset later that day and maybe head to town. He’d read that Orcas was one of the more scenic of the islands and had a small downtown area called Eastsound. There, he was certain to get some more provisions, since the B&B only offered breakfast and dinner. Maybe there was even a bar where he could grab a beer and people watch.

Heading back to the house, he found himself hurrying his pace a bit more than usual. He wanted to see her again, to start conversation. He was hoping his resolve would not crumble at the sight of her. He was hoping he wouldn’t have to make her remember, that Bella would remember on her own. As it was, he was slightly disappointed that she hadn’t even flinched at his name, which would’ve been a dead giveaway to anyone else, since he had become quite well known. He was disappointed that she didn’t hold their one connection in her heart the same way he had, but he couldn’t blame her one bit. What she had endured had certainly enough to traumatize anyone, and he knew that more than likely, Bella’s mind had pushed all memories from that horrible, horrible day to the very depths of her subconscious.

Upon reaching the house, he took a deep breath, resolving to engage Bella in some kind of conversation. He wanted to know everything about her. He wanted her to want to know everything about him. He could’ve just sat her down and told her everything from the beginning, but no one knew the feelings he harbored for her all these years. It wasn’t love, because honestly, he’d only spoken to her that one night. It was more an infatuation with the idea of her, with her memory. She had been his muse on more than one occasion, and a prominent fixture in his dreams. Sometimes, randomly during moments in his life-- dates, proms, gallery shows, graduations, traveling...he’d think of her. What had she done with her life? What choices had she made? Did she have boyfriends? Did she go to college? Did she ever think about him?

He knew the answer to the last question. Judging by her impassive reception, she had not. But it was something he could deal with, and even though his heart ached with the idea that he hadn’t left a mark on her life, his head understood why.

The house was empty, no sounds coming from anywhere except the fridge in the kitchen. He figured all the guests were out on excursions, but where was Bella? A quick glance around had revealed that her truck was still parked outside, so wherever she was, she couldn’t be far. Perhaps she was in her room? He was very pleased to have been assigned the room right across from hers. He quickly surmised, however, that being so close yet so far away from her could also be torture. So many moments last night he wanted to knock on her door, to find some reason to be in her presence, to talk to her. When she’d asked him if he needed a snack to be brought up to his room, he’d almost blurted out a ‘yes’ in an embarrassingly enthusiastic manner. But he swiftly composed himself and chose to spend some time by himself to get his head in the right place. 

Edward walked through the kitchen and on towards the stairs to his room. He was very tempted to knock on Bella’s door. But what do I say? Passing her door, he heard her soft voice. She was giggling lightly, but there was no other voice. She’s probably on the phone, he thought. He smiled, her laughter lifting his spirits right away. He longed to be the person to make her laugh one day, hopefully soon. He’d gotten a smile from her last night and again this morning; the warmth of it had seeped into his soul.

Edward chose at that moment to got to his room and retrieve his guitar. He opened the balcony windows and took a seat, lounging against the back of the chair with one ankle resting on the opposite knee. He strummed chords in no particular order, letting the sound envelop him as he considered all his options. 

About an hour passed before he heard a soft knock on his door. His fingers stilled, silencing the strings as he waited to hear the knock again, in case he was just hearing things. When another rap was heard, he stood and lay his guitar on the bed as he went to open the door. 

“Oh, hi...” Bella said, her fisted hand caught mid-air. She smiled and Edward returned it.

“Hi,” he said, staring at her wide-eyed. No other words made it out as he took in the sight of her... She’s so utterly beautiful, he thought.

“Um, I just wanted to let you know that I was heading to town for a bit to run some errands...In case you needed something and I wasn’t around...um, Rosie will be in the cottage. She’ll be more than happy to assist you, if you know...if you need anything,” Bella rambled. She looked flustered, and Edward saw a small blush darken on her cheeks as she glanced around, her eyes landing anywhere but on him.

“Oh, great...yeah, thanks.” Oh, god, I sound like a idiot.

“Great!” she said, finally glancing up at him. They locked eyes for a split second before she spoke again.

“Okay, I guess I’ll see you at dinner. Bye...” Bella turned abruptly towards the stairs. In a moment of inspiration, Edward blurted out, “Bella!”

She stopped mid-step and turned back to face him, looking at him expectantly.

“Um, you said you were heading to town, right?” he asked.

“Yes, Eastsound...why?”

“Um, do you mind giving me a lift? I want to take a look around, maybe pick up a few things if there’s a grocery store or something,” he asked nervously. This was his first chance to spend some time with her, and he knew they’d have at least 20 minutes in a car together. We have to talk about something.

Bella looked baffled, but a her lips slowly upturned until they bloomed into a full on smile. 

“Okay. I’ll meet you downstairs in five?” she asked.

Edward nodded once. “Yes. Five...great!”

Bella smiled again, dipping her head bashfully before turning and gliding down the stairs. He stood there and watched her retreating form, and couldn’t help it when his eyes swept down her body and rested on the sway of her hips. Clad in jeans, a fitted plaid shirt and flats, she was perfect in his eyes. 

“Maybe if I get to know her, I can disprove the fantasy... this idea I have of her will dissipate, and I’ll be able to do what I have to do and move on with my life,” Edward muttered to himself as he freshened up and dressed to leave.

He grabbed his camera and his wallet and met her at the bottom of the stairs five minutes and thirty seconds later. He was met with another warm smile. Will I ever get used to the way she smiles at me? Edward felt a flutter in the pit of his stomach akin to the feeling he got before a photography show or stepping off a plane in a new, undiscovered place. 

True. Bella was just like the one place you read about, dream about visiting, and spend your whole life planning out what you’ll do once your arrive. And just like that place, Edward was at a loss once this woman was in his path. Everything I thought I’d be able to say and do...out the window, he thought as they entered her truck and drove down the lane to meet the highway.

The ride was rather quiet, but not uncomfortably so. Edward looked out the window, taking in the green around him. As the road ahead wound its way through the forest around them, Bella broke the silence.

“So, did you get any good shots today?” she asked, grinning and looking straight ahead.

“Yes, I did, actually. The grounds around your property are pristine. The colors are intense,” he replied, absently scratching the back of his head.

“I’m sure this will sound really corny and you’ve probably heard a lot of people say this to you, but I had a bit of a thing for taking pictures when I was a kid...” she shared, as she quickly glanced towards him before turning her eyes back to the road.

Edward suppressed the urge to say “I know,” responding inquisitively instead. “Really? Why’d you stop? And no, I don’t think it’s corny, and yes I’ve had people say that to me many times, but I would never judge. I don’t have a superiority complex,” he added teasingly. Bella blushed in response and smiled timidly before continuing.

“My parents,” she paused, breathing deeply, “they encouraged me a lot. I borrowed my dad’s old Canon, and took pictures of everything outside my house. I think I drove them a little crazy when I started taking pictures of them at the breakfast table,” she said, giggling. The sound of her laughter sent waves of warmth over his entire body. He wanted to hear that sound forever.

“But, one Christmas, my parents gave me my own camera, and I was thrilled...” she trailed off.

Edward sensed he was getting a bit too close to her memories, but couldn’t stop from asking the next question.

“And what happened? Why didn’t you keep going?” Shit, why did I ask her that? he chastised himself. 

Bella sighed again. “Well, my parents passed away when I was nine...a car accident in the city...” she said quietly.

“Oh, I’m really sorry, Bella. We can talk about something else, if you want to. I know you don’t know me, you don’t have to...”

“No no, it’s fine...it was a long time ago...I actually don’t remember a whole lot about that night...” she said, and Edward sensed she was trying to salvage the awkward conversation. 

“But anyway, both cameras were in the car, and they were destroyed. I guess I didn’t have much drive to take pictures again after that.” She sighed deeply again, before turning up the volume on the radio, thus ending any more talk on the subject.

Casual conversation followed for the remainder of the ride to town, and as Edward had hoped, their communication flowed nicely from subject to subject. He learned Bella was originally from Arizona. Her father had decided to take a job in his hometown of Forks, Washington in order for Bella’s mother to be close to her ailing mother when Bella was only three. Bella had gone to live with her grandmother here on the island after the accident and had been here ever since.

“So, you’ve never traveled off the island?” Edward asked, confused.

“Not since my gran died two years ago. I went to Udub for college, and went to New York City for one Christmas with my cousin. But after Gran got sick I pretty much stayed here. When she died, she left me the B&B. I’ve been here ever since,” she finished the last sentence just as she pulled into the grocery store parking lot. Edward hadn’t even noticed they’d arrived, he’d been listening so intently to her story. 

Edward of course, knew about the accident and all the subsequent events that led her to her grandmother’s care. He’d only known, however, after he read all the newspaper articles his father left behind. Before then, he’d been ignorant to her whereabouts all these years. If he would’ve known before, things could’ve been different.

“Well, we’re here,” she said brightly, the sweet smile returning. “I’m not quite sure what you needed to do, but I need to get a few things here first and stop by the Post Office, so...” she trailed off, awkwardly shifting her weight as she trained her eyes on the floor.

“Oh, I actually needed a few things from here too, if you don’t mind me tagging along. I’d hate to be that annoying person following you around...” Edward smiled coyly. 

Bella laughed, shaking her head.

“Don’t be silly! I don’t mind...you know, you being around me,” she replied, and it didn’t escape Edward’s notice when she blushed again.

“Great. Well then, after you,” he said, gesturing in front of him with his hand. Bella dipped her head in acknowledgement and went inside the store. 

An older lady immediately greeted Bella with much enthusiasm. “Bella! Good to see you again, dear!” the lady exclaimed as she eyed Edward up and down, a look of curiosity on her face.

“Good to see you too, Mrs. Newton. Just forgot a few things yesterday,” Bella responded, walking a little faster. Edward’s guess was that she didn’t really want to chat with the woman at all. But before she could make it out of Mrs. Newton’s line of vision, the latter shouted.

“And who is your friend there?” she called, her tone laced with innuendo. Mrs. Newton prided herself in knowing everyone on the island, especially the devastatingly handsome ones. This young man, she thought, looked like a puppy dutifully following his owner. Who was he? She wanted to know who would be her son’s competition. Though, if she was being truthful, she would confess that this boy was leaps and bounds beyond her poor Michael.

Bella stopped and slowly turned around, sighing loudly.

“Mrs. Newton, this is Edward Cullen. He’s a guest for two weeks. Edward, this is Mrs. Newton; she and her family own this store.”

Edward nodded once toward the lady. “Nice to meet you, Mrs. Newton.”

“The pleasure’s all mine, young man. Enjoy your stay. You’ll discover Orcas Island is the most beautiful of all the islands. I’m sure you’ll never want to leave,” she said, grinning and cupping her Aqua-net do.

“It is very lovely here, I’m sure you’re right about not wanting to leave.” It’s surely possible, but the reason for not wanting to leave was standing next to him at the moment, and had nothing to do with the island’s natural setting.

“Oh, by the way, Bella, I’m sending Michael over tomorrow with some muffins for your guests. He’s anxious to see you. You haven’t seen him since he came home. He’s quite popular with the ladies, you know,” Mrs. Newton added with what Edward guessed was an attempt to get Bella’s attention. Who’s Michael? 

“That’s nice, Mrs. Newton. I’m sure he’ll be bringing a nice girl home to you one of these days. And thank you for the muffins. I’ll tell Rosie to be on the lookout,” Bella replied as she turned again towards the aisles, grabbing Edward’s forearm to guide him away. Her sudden touch sent shockwaves of a warm buzz through his body, and he stumbled behind her as he tried to right himself physically and mentally. 

“Oh, God, I’m so sorry about that,” she started as soon as she was out of earshot. Bella couldn’t believe Mrs. Newton would be so blatant in trying to flirt with Edward, and it bothered her even more that the woman was still attempting to push her son on her in the presence of her guest: her sweet, talented, good-looking guest.

“She’s been trying to set me up with her joke of a son for years,” she said, rolling her eyes. It didn’t escape Edward that Bella had not let go of his arm.

“It’s fine. Though I was wondering why she was eyeing me funny...”

Bella giggled. “Oh! She probably just wanted you all to herself. She’s a widow, and lonely.” 

Edward felt himself blush. He was used to the advances of women-- just not ones in their fifties. Bella turned to look at him, and laughed again, bringing a smile to his face as well.

“Oh, don’t worry. She’s harmless. I’ll make sure she keeps her Cougar claws away from you,” she said teasingly. And any other desperate, lonely women on the island.

“Thanks, I appreciate your concern for my well-being,” he joked in return, and their easy-going flow returned as they perused the aisles for the items she needed. Edward also grabbed a few postcards to send to his mother-- a tradition he had started on his first assignment.

They paid for their items and, after placing the bags in the truck, they stood there, staring at each other, not really knowing what to do next.

“Um, did you want to do anything else? I could show you around town. There’s not much of it to tell you the truth. We could take a stroll or something...” Bella rambled. She was surprised that she was trying this hard to extend an outing with a man. She couldn’t remember the last time she was so attracted to someone. Come to think of it, she didn’t think it had ever happened before. 

Edward was delighted with spending more time with her, and made no effort to mask it.

“I’d like that actually. I’m kind of hungry. I didn’t really think to prepare lunches ahead of time today.”

“Oh my God, you poor thing! You haven’t eaten? Yeah, of course! There’s actually a place a block down...it’s kind of a burger-slash-bar joint. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, that’s perfect. And please, don’t feel bad. I have a tendency not to pack properly.”

“Well then, I’m sure we can work something out in the kitchen for you. Rosie, or even I, can make you a few sandwiches or something. It’s no problem...”

“No, please, that won’t be necessary. I’d hate to be a burden, it’s a Bed and Breakfast,  not a Bed, Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner,” he grinned. She loved his grin.

“Oh please. It’s no burden at all. My guests usually only stay for weekends or a few days at most. You’re going to be here two weeks; it’s the least I can do to keep you comfortable.”

Edward couldn’t say no. She was adorably persistent, and he didn’t stand a chance against her.

“Alright. But nothing fancy,” he emphasized, pointing his long, elegant finger towards her. 

Bella was pleased and walked with almost a skip in her step as they neared the eatery. Edward took his camera and started snapping away at the scenery, stealing a few of Bella as they walked. She noticed and quickly shied away, covering her face and giggling. Why would he want to take pictures of me? Is he kidding around with me? He’ll probably just delete those, I’m sure. Bella’s thoughts were running rampant. The man made her nervous...in a good way.

When they arrived, Edward opened the door for his companion and they sat down in a booth. Bella greeted the bartender and a waitress came by to drop off menus and take drink orders. Bella rolled her eyes when the waitress hung out a little longer than usual. 

Great, Bella thought. Vicky. Perky, bubbly, flirty, Vicky. Everything about her is perfectly fake. Even the red hair and the floating devices on her chest. And he’s totally oblivious to it? Who is this guy?

“What?”

“Geez, doesn’t it ever bother you?”

“What does?”

“The fact that women are always making fools of themselves around you?”

“What are you talking about?” Edward asked, confused.

“Wow, you’re really unaffected by it, aren’t you? It must happen a lot for you to not even notice anymore,” Bella said amusedly. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” But Edward did know what she was talking about. He just didn’t care what others saw or wanted. The only person he cared to impress was sitting in front of him.

Bella just grinned, shaking her head at the absurdity of it all.

After their beers were delivered and food orders were placed, Edward and Bella entered into easy conversation. This time, about him. Bella was terribly curious about what had inspired Edward in his chosen career path.

“So, you’re a photographer. How did that happen?”

“I dunno. I just got into it around when I was twelve. I, uh, had a friend who was really into it, and I was curious, so I saved money cutting lawns all summer and bought myself a camera. The rest, as they say, is history.” Edward was a little uncomfortable talking about the reason for his fascination with photography, since she was sitting right in front of him. But she pressed on.

“Interesting. And you said you’re from Seattle originally? What about your parents? What do they do?” Bella asked as they tucked into their meals.

“Well, I’m originally from Chicago, but we moved out to Seattle when my dad started his residency. He was Chief of Surgery there. He...um...he died a few months ago from Cancer,” Edward said quietly.

Bella looked stunned and immediately reached out for his hand and squeezed.

“Oh, Edward, I’m so sorry. I know how hard it is...well, you know what I mean,” she said slowly.

“Yeah, it was hard. He didn’t want treatment, so at least it was quick...not enough time to really suffer, you know?”

Bella nodded silently. Her eyes were sad and understanding as she locked eyes with him for what seemed like minutes. Edward placed his free hand on top of hers and gently squeezed back.

“And your mom?” Bella asked after breathing deeply and removing her hands from his. 

“Ah, she’s alive and well in Seattle. She’s an interior designer, works for herself. She’s quite a lady. She never once questioned my dad’s decisions...at the end. She was his rock,” he added with a sad smile.

“Sounds like a very strong woman,” Bella replied. 

“You have no idea.”

The conversation continued after finishing their meals, and they stayed for a while longer just chatting lightly over another beer.

The two had spent more time out than they’d thought, and when the bill was settled, they walked back to Bella’s car. 

During the ride back, they enjoyed the same comfortable silence, only breaking it to share their likes and dislikes when certain songs played on the radio.

When they arrived at the house, Bella excused herself to prepare things for dinner with Rosie. Edward thanked her for the ride and the company as he set out towards the shore to catch the sunset he very much wanted to photograph. As he snapped away, he had ample opportunity to contemplate all that had occurred that day.

Edward felt an overwhelming sense of calm when he was around her. It was as if they’d known each other forever. In his case, that was semi-true. Although he had known of her all these years, and had retained every detail of their one meeting so long ago, he knew he had a long way to go before he could say he knew her. 

He was willing to set things right. Everything.