Chapter 6: Fade Into You

I want to hold the hand inside you

I want to take a breath that's true

I look to you and I see nothing

I look to you to see the truth

You live your life

You go in shadows

You'll come apart and you'll go black

Some kind of night into your darkness

Colors your eyes with what's not there.

Fade into you

Strange you never knew

Fade into you

I think it's strange you never knew

-Fade Into You, Mazzy Star

Chapter 6: Fade Into You

“God, Bella... you... what you do to me...” Edward gasped against her sweet skin between kisses. Bella moaned at feeling his breath against her and gripped his hair harder, not able to contain her need.

Hands and lips and fingers continued to connect, feel, and pull... closer and closer, until they both forgot the world around them , reveling in each other’s touch.

Bella had never experienced anything like this. Not this fervor of need or passion. The deep connection she felt for him was unprecedented. The intensity of it all made Bella feel weightless and disconnected from her own body-- looking from the outside in. How is it possible to feel this way for someone I hardly know, she thought.

As Edward’s lips continued their delicious assault, exploring every millimeter of neck and lips, her mind raced to put some order to her feelings and sensations. She failed miserably. She was able, however, to chalk up the intense connection to just plain lust. At least, that was her excuse. It was the only thing that made sense to her. 

But sense flew out the window when Edward’s hands traveled lower to the small of her back. She felt him hesitate for a moment as he broke from his worship to check her response. He was encouraged when he saw the ferocity in her eyes, and was down right ecstatic when she suddenly dove to attach her lips to his once more. His hands delved lower to grip and dig into the flesh of her backside, earning a soft moan into his mouth. Edward pulled her closer until she was flush against him. 

Bella still felt too far away, not close enough. She let her instincts take over as her legs adjusted to frame his thighs. He groaned when the movement caused her warmth to pass against his erection and held on to her bottom firmly, bringing  her closer still.

What was happening? Bella’s body was doing things it had never done before, reacting to the unspoken language of his body. It was like the very beginning of the crescendo of a symphony-- where the melody responded to the introduction of the harmonies, gaining strength and fervor with every note. Her hands dove through his locks, grabbing and tugging as their tongues danced against each other, eliciting a few humming grunts of his own. As their joint movements escalated, the hem of her shirt rode up, and the sudden feel of his hot hands against her skin caused a shock of goosebumps to break out on her flesh. 

Edward could’ve stayed in this very spot, this very moment, forever. It was at that instant that all his thoughts, all his feelings, so very well controlled and filed away in his heart, came bursting forth. His feelings for her went beyond curiosity and nostalgia. Her body, her sounds, her eyes . . . he’d lied to himself the whole time.

He’d told himself that he was coming to Orcas Island to simply relay the information he had for her and close the final chapter to his father’s life, maybe even a chapter of his own. Lies. All of it.

The truth was the tugging of his heart at the memory of the girl with the empty, but haunting, brown eyes was its feeble attempt to call out to hers. For years, his heart had been searching for the other heart that would speak to it. He could now admit that his entire life from the moment she entered it was a journey to find her again. She had left her mark on him. He couldn’t understand how one night, one fateful night, could impress him as a child. But now, having that very girl straddling him, kissing him, holding on to him, he saw it was always supposed to be like this. He felt whole.

Bella’s thoughts were jumbled as Edward’s hands moved to lace themselves in her long, beautiful hair, cradling and massaging her scalp, thoroughly sealing his lips to hers. It was only after hearing the faint familiar voice in the distance calling her name that she could find her way out of her lust enough to take stock of what was happening.

She pulled away reluctantly, panting against his still-open mouth. His cheeks were flushed, eyes shut tightly, and in that moment  he was the most beautiful man she had ever seen. The look of surrender on his face made her breath hitch, causing Edward to open his eyes. His green eyes had darkened to midnight emerald, but his lustful gaze slowly faded away as he regained awareness and heard the voice as well.

“Bella, are you still out there?” It was Rosie.

The voice was still far enough away that Edward and Bella could take a moment in each other’s arms to silently communicate what was mutually understood. Edward’s lips formed a tiny smile, his eyes roamed all around her face, and she felt transparent. But strangely, it didn’t feel like exposure. It was more an openness to him, a comforting knowledge that he somehow understood her, knew her more than the short two weeks since they’d met warranted. 

His eyes. His eyes held on to something. They were so familiar.

“Bella?” This time, Rosie’s voice was closer.

Bella found her voice and spoke softly. “Edward... I... what...” 

“Bella, I think we need...”

“I have to go,” She said, disentangling her fingers from her hair, her body from his warmth. The sudden chill at their separation was unwelcome and quickly broke the spell between them.

“Hey, Bella, you still out here? We gotta do the turn-down, it’s getting pretty late... Oh!”

Rosie froze as soon as she reached Bella, spotting Edward who quickly moved from his seat and roughly combed his fingers through his hair.. His darted everywhere but at Rosie. When she glanced back at Bella, she caught her smoothing out her clothes, taming her hair with her hands. Bella’s skin was flushed and her cheeks and neck were red. Rosie suppressed a smile at the obvious scene before her. Well, it’s about time.

“Sure, Rosie, I’ll be there in just a few. We were just talking, and I guess we lost track of time,” Bella spoke rapidly, her voice tiny.

Rosie arched an eyebrow at Edward, who finally met her gaze and smiled timidly, as if caught with his hand in the cookie jar. 

“Okay. I was just making sure. I could go ahead and do it for you if you want to stay longer, I just wasn’t sure what you wanted to do...”

“No! No, I’ll go. It’s not a problem.” Bella was suddenly desperate to leave. She needed to wrap her head around what had happened not five minutes ago.

Rosie just nodded in agreement and stepped backwards towards the house, eyeing them both a moment more before fully turning and leaving Edward and Bella alone again.

Bella exhaled, shaking her head as if trying to clear the fog from her mind. She didn’t even have the guts to look at Edward and instead started for the house.

“I have to go... I... um... Goodnight, Edw...”

She hadn’t noticed that Edward had taken two silent strides to grab her wrist gently but with purpose, as he turned her around and kissed her. His lips were firm and he tried desperately to pour all he wanted to say in that kiss. Bella gasped at the contact and froze, but desire won out as she wound her arms around his neck, his hands and arms pulling her against him. She was done for, the awkwardness from seconds ago evaporating immediately. 

Edward pulled away, but only enough to gaze at her. 

“We need to talk.” His warm breath caressed her as she tried to process what he was saying. It took her a few moments to clear her head. Amazing how he always managed to incapacitate her senses. 

“Wha... What?” she whispered.

He smiled, clearly amused with her reactions to him.

“I said we need to talk. There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

She was confused. What could he possibly have to tell her? Her mind raced through scenarios, none of them good. Was he regretful? Did he have a girlfriend, or even worse, a wife? Did he lead some sort of secret life? Oh, dear God, what had she gotten herself into?

Edward observed her confused expression and tried to ease her warring thoughts.

“Bella, It’s okay. It’s not anything bad, I mean, at least I don’t think it’s anything bad. But I can’t really just tell you everything now. Can we talk tomorrow?” His thumbs drew a path back and forth on her cheeks as he cradled her head. She finally managed to respond, but distracted by the way his thumbs moved and the intense green of his eyes.

“Um... yeah. Okay. When do you...” Her eyes fluttered closed as she babbled out the words.

“How about after breakfast? There’s a place I found that’s quiet, away from everything. I just want to spend the day with you. There’s so much I want to say...need to say...”

“Edward, what’s happening here?” she blurted out. Bella couldn’t hold back her desire for clarity in this strange situation. She desperately wanted to know why she felt this deep connection to someone she hardly knew and she was well aware sleep would escape her tonight if she didn’t get something from him.

Edward sighed and loosened his hold on her, but didn’t let go. Now that he knew what was to touch her, he needed it always.

“Bella, I’m trying not to over-think this and I really believe you should do the same. Just sleep tonight knowing that everything will be clearer tomorrow. I promise you. Let life take care of itself.”

Her eyes snapped back to his as she took in his last sentence. She’d heard it before but had no idea where. Edward mistook her wide-eyed expression to mean she was afraid, or apprehensive, or... something, and tried to rectify the situation.

“Look, Bella, what I’m trying to say is I’m feeling just as freaked out about this... thing... we have. But I really think it’ll all be okay. We’ll just have a quiet day tomorrow and talk.” Edward wasn’t sure if he was making any sense, but hoped Bella would leave it alone for tonight. What he had to say would take longer than the few minutes she had left before returning to her duties at the house.

He felt slightly relieved when she finally acquiesced, nodding slowly in understanding. She really didn’t understand, though. Everything was still so confusing, he was so mysterious with his words. She couldn’t help the knots that were forming in her stomach, but put on the best smile she could, however small, and eased his worried mind.

“Okay. Tomorrow then. I’ll pack us a picnic lunch... and we’ll... talk,” she assured him.

Edward leaned in and kissed her forehead before whispering a goodnight in her ear.

They both walked back towards the house in a daze, unconsciously creating unnatural space between them as they neared their destination. When Edward opened the door to the kitchen to allow her entrance, she smiled timidly and passed him, her arm lightly grazing his lean stomach. Edward didn’t miss the opportunity for his hand to gently squeeze hers before she walked  through the door. Her face lifted to meet his, and they exchanged little, knowing smiles.

Edward sauntered up the stairs towards his room and when she heard the door close she sighed loudly. 

“Well, well, well. Someone finally loosened up.” Bella startled at Rosie’s voice and clutched at her chest.

“Oh! Damn it, Rosie, don’t sneak up on me like that,” she scolded.

“I wasn’t sneaking up, I was right here in the kitchen the whole time. You just didn’t notice me.” Rosie’s smirk was one Bella knew all too well. Talk about the cat swallowing the canary.

“Nothing happened, Rosie. Drop it. We were just talking.”

Rosie snorted. “Yeah, ok, Swan. That’s why your hair’s a mess and your lips are swollen, right?”

Bella knew she was blushing furiously by the heat that slowly crept up her neck and bloomed on her cheeks. She tried to turn away from her friend, but failed to do it in time before Rosie giggled and teased.

“Aww, would you look at that? Bella’s got a man.” Rosie smiled and plopped down on the stool, nudging the other one towards Bella and gesturing her to sit. “Okay, spill.”

“No. I’m not going to have this conversation with you now. Like you said, I have turndown to do.”

“Well then at least tell me if it was good. He did kiss you then?” Her eyes gleamed with girlish excitement.

Bella smiled, recollecting the feel of Edward’s lips on her skin.

“Yes. It was good. Very good. Oh, Rosie, I have no idea what to do.”

“What do you mean? Just enjoy it. I know you, Bella, and I know you tend to over-thinking things. So don’t.”

“That’s what Edward said.”

“What, not to over-think things? Well, he’s a smart man, then. Tell me, what is it that’s freaking you out so much?” Rosie rested one of her elbows on the kitchen island, cradling her chin in her hand.

“He’s not staying, Rosie. He has a completely different life apart from his time here.”

“And? What are you saying? Bella, are you starting to have feelings for this guy?”

Bella widened her eyes as she looked at Rosie. “Um... I...”

“Oh my God. Bella, what are you going to do?”

“What can I do? I really don’t know.”

“You need to sit down and really talk to him.”

“Yeah, I know. He told me tonight he wanted to talk things out tomorrow. He wants to spend the day with me.”

Rosie smiled. “Sounds like a good plan. Bella, give the guy a chance. He’s a grown man, allow him to say what he needs to say and make his own choices. You might be surprised about what he decides.”

Bella contemplated Rosie’s words in silence as she nursed the cup of hot chocolate her friend handed to her. Rosie secretly hoped that Bella wouldn’t throw away a perfectly good opportunity at happiness, as temporary as it may be. Better to have loved and lost, then not to have loved at all and all that.

Bella sighed deeply before taking her last sip and making her way to the stairs, bidding Rosie a good night. As she made her rounds to check on her guests, she found most had decided to turn in after the entertaining evening and she didn’t want to wake them. When she made it to her door, she glanced towards the one across from her, where he was. The door glowed with invisible warmth and she felt its heat like a welcoming invitation, calling to her. She swore to herself she’d wait until tomorrow to see him again, to get some sleep and allow all thoughts that danced around in her mind to settle. Nothing healthy could come from opening that door, especially in her exhausted, emotionally drained state, but her body screamed to be near him again. She wanted to feel the softness of his lips on hers, the gentle buzz that passed between them when his hands hands touched her skin. Her fingers ached to bury themselves in his hair. Her heart raced at the memory of his arousal against her body, showing her how badly he wanted her-- mirroring her own overwhelming need for him.

When her feet unconsciously moved in that fateful door’s direction, her eyes scanned the doorknob, noticing the “Do Not Disturb” hanger. It was like a kick in the gut and she physically felt it, stumbling backwards in her exhaustion. He’d never done that during his stay here, and her thoughts ran wild with unreasonable motives for his rejection. 

It was a rejection in her heart, even though the more level-headed part of her knew that he probably knew she’d be doing turndown service and just wanted to sleep. But why wouldn’t he want her in his room? Was he drawing a line in the sand with them? Was tomorrow’s talk really just a gentle form of letting Bella down easily? Suddenly all her emotions got the best of her and, not wanting to break down there in the hallway, she stumbled into her own room, locking the door and slinking down against it until she reached the floor. With arms hugging her folded legs, she began to cry.

It wasn’t an all-out sob fest, but the tears were there. A steady stream of wetness trickled down her cheeks as she contemplated why she was taking his action to heart. Was it really about the door hanger, or was it more? Was it the last straw in a string of revelations, confessions, and fear? 

That was it. It must be everything all at once. Her emotions were already running high at the thought of having a gathering like those Gran used to have. Maybe that, combined with Edward’s words and lack of sleep, was doing this to her. She resolved not to wallow anymore, choosing instead to take a nice, hot shower and get a good night’s sleep. Tomorrow would be another day, a day that would either lead her closer to Edward, or fatefully end the fantasy of possible love. Either way, tomorrow would be the catalyst for the next stage in Bella’s life-- good or bad.

***WtNC***

“There you are. Oh, I was so very worried about you, Love bug.” Gran’s gardenia-scented perfume was a welcomed feeling of home. Her grandmother’s arms were safety. Warm. Family. Where were her mommy and daddy? 

Mommy? Daddy?

“Oh, sweetie. I’m going to get you out of here as soon as I can. I just have to talk to the doctor and make sure you’re clear. Stay here for me, ok?” Gran’s voice was comforting as she eyed the boy sitting next to her sad granddaughter.

“Oh, hello there. What’s your name?”

“Eddie. My dad’s the doctor,” he said proudly. 

“Well, that’s wonderful, dear. I can see the resemblance. I’m glad you’re keeping my Bella company. Do you mind sticking around a bit longer?”

“No, ma’am. I can stay here. We’re going to a baseball game... I’m just waiting for him to be done.”

Gran smiled at the boy, then looked at her little one. Bella felt her troubled gaze and looked up to see Gran’s hand caress her wet hair. Bella closed her eyes at the sensation, wishing to be anywhere but here. She wanted Gran’s cookies and warm milk. She wanted to sit by the fire while Gran read to her. She didn’t want to be in the stark, artificial room. But she did want to listen to her new friend. His voice was calming, and it was friendly. She wanted a friend.

The room she was in dimmed, leaving her and Eddie in semi-darkness. The scene flashed and a split second later, he was plopped down on the examination bed sitting criss cross-applesauce. She turned to him like a magnet, mirroring his position until they faced each other. 

“Why don’t you take off your hat?”

“No way. I’ll have hat hair. Hat hair sucks.”

“I don’t mind. I’m sure you look better than I do. I’m all messy.” She felt dirty and smelled of soil and pond water.

“Nah. You look okay. Your hair’s nice.” His green eyes shown bright.

“You’re weird. It’s all dirty and wet. I wish I could go home.”

“Your grandma’s nice.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you gonna live with her now?”

“I dunno.”

“Are your parents hurt?”

“I think so. Maybe I’ll live with Gran until they’re better.”

“What if they don’t get better?” the boy asked.

Bella felt the room grow even darker as she thought of a life without her mommy and daddy. “I dunno. I’m scared.”

Suddenly  she felt a warm arm wrap around her shoulders. He seemed to meld with her as she listened to his sweet words and shaky voice.

“My dad always says ‘let life take care of itself’. Maybe that’s what you should do.”

Let life take care of itself.

Let life take care of itself.

The words resonated in her mind as she gazed at the boy’s expressive green eyes. And when the voice deepened into the familiar timbre of the man her heart belonged to, the green eyes stayed the same.

Let life take care of itself.

Let life...

Oh!

Bella woke to her still-dark bedroom, covered in a fine sheen of sweat, hair flattened against her cheek. She blinked several times, trying hard to regulate her speeding heart.

She sat in complete darkness, replaying the vivid dream over and over again, the words swimming around her.

Let life take care of itself.

 The words Edward spoke to her this evening still echoed in her mind, made stronger by the dream. How strange. In her sleepy haze, she couldn’t make heads or tails of it. She rose and went to her bathroom, splashing water on her face and neck. Her reflection in the mirror pleaded for clarity. What was that all about? Why was she suddenly recalling things from that night she had never remembered before? Did the conversation with the boy really happen? Or was it just her subconscious connecting the emotional moments of her life together in one endless string? 

But one nagging thought kept resurfacing. Was it him? All this time? Could the man that made her heart soar be the boy who kept her sane for a few hours that night?

She scoffed humorlessly. I’m delusional, she thought. That’s all. 

As Bella returned to bed, taking a sip from her cup of water on her night stand, she leaned against the headboard, trying to remember the details of the dream that had caught her completely off-guard. Bella could still vividly smell Gran’s gardenia perfume and feel the warmth of her embrace. She could also hear the boy’s soothing voice, a voice she knew well. 

In that second, Bella’s memories flooded back to that horrible night: a trauma that changed her life so drastically, she hadn’t remembered until now.  

 “So... let’s play a game.” Eddie changed the subject. “I’m bored.”

“Um, okay. What kind of game?”

“Let’s just ask each other questions. Like, what’s your favorite color?”

Bella liked his voice. She was so cold, but his warmth next to her was like a favorite blanket. 

“Purple.”

“Eww. Such a girl color.”

“Well, I’m a girl. Duh.”

“My favorite color is brown.”

“Eww. Brown’s boring.”

“No it’s not. Brown is the color of chocolate. I love chocolate. Your turn.”

“Oh, okay. Um, what’s your favorite hobby?”

“Easy. Baseball. I play little league. How about you?”

“I like taking pictures.”

“Really? Do you have a camera?”

Bella’s thoughts went dark, back to a car ride. Her parents were happily chatting in the front seat, and Bella’s hand rested on top of the camera her daddy had given to her. She was so excited to develop all the pictures she’d taken of snails and rainbows, flowers and butterflies. But all that evaporated as the camera floated away in liquid suspension. Her mother’s screams and commands permeated her senses.

“Bella, baby, swim to the surface!”

Bella glanced down at her shaking hands, but the memories wouldn’t stop. She brought her blankets to her chest in hopes of calming herself.

“Hey, Bella! Hey...  are you okay?” She heard the snapping of fingers. The scene melted into Eddie’s hands waving in front of her.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry,” she mumbled.

“You were daydreaming. My teachers tell me I do that all the time.”

“What do you dream about?”

“Becoming a pitcher for the Mariners. I can always hear the crowds cheer for me while I strike out hitter after hitter. It’s really cool.” He smiled... The smirk was inviting, and Bella felt her smile grow a little.

“So who’s you favorite band?”

“The Beatles.”

“Yeah? They’re okay, I guess.”

“My daddy loves them.” Bella immediately thought of her father. Where is he?

The questions continued for well over an hour, Bella remembered. The boy never took his hat off. But she could still see the viridian of his eyes, and it brought her to her current confusion once again.

Was the boy... could he be... Edward?