Chapter 7: Back to the Start

Come up to meet you,

tell you I’m sorry

You don’t know how lovely you are

I had to find you

Tell you I need you

Tell you I’ve set you apart

Tell me your secrets

And ask me your questions

Oh, let’s get back to the start

-The Scientist, Coldplay

Chapter 7: Back to the Start

Edward couldn’t sleep. Not that he was surprised. The events that unfolded earlier in the evening kept monopolizing his thoughts. He could still feel the heat from her soft lips, the need that they both exuded; it was almost too much for him.


He had never intended to get this close to Bella. True, he’d always wondered about her, wondered why his father kept pictures of her, why he’d clipped out newspaper articles about the accident. Edward figured he just felt sorry for her situation: suddenly orphaned, left in her grandmother’s care. Her life turned upside down in an instant.


Edward recalled every moment of his time with Bella when they were children in the emergency room that night. He would never be able to forget. Even then, her dark caramel eyes-- as empty as they were-- still held a fire and intensity that was permanently etched in his mind. When he finally saw her again, fifteen years later, nothing had changed. Those eyes haunted his dreams and staked a claim in a tiny space in his heart. The feelings, though, had changed and multiplied. The woman before him tonight, that woman, held every single one of his desires in the palm of her hand. She had the power to claim him for herself or crush him. He wanted her, more than he wanted anything else, and now his physical need was quickly overshadowing his original purpose.


He knew he had to tell her everything, so he figured taking her to a neutral place, somewhere where she could focus on just him and what he was trying to share with her, would be the best thing. But now he had so much more to say-- things that weren’t part of the original agenda -- that were so much more important and crucial in his mind than anything in that envelope.


He glanced as it on his small desk as he paced his room. Perhaps staring at it enough would burn holes through it and allow him to see for himself what his father had to say to Bella. Everything else he found in his father’s desk and shelves was in the larger manila envelope, but when the family attorney gave Edward Carlisle’s will, it included a small letter envelope which was sealed and to be hand-delivered by Edward, as per Carlisle’s request.


Strange. He didn’t understand why Dad wanted him to be the one to give it to her, but he had no choice but to comply; it was the one last thing he could do for his father as a sign of love and respect. Luckily, his career choice afforded him the opportunity to complete his mission. He’d never expected to fall in love with the girl.


He knew that’s what it was-- the burning ache in his heart. Aside from the acute lustful desire that grew for her, this feeling in his heart was very different. Bella now encompassed every part of him, inhabited every space within him. He had to tell her. But he was scared out of his mind, petrified that it would be too much, too soon. Should he tell her how he felt about her before laying out the specifics of his father’s will? Or should he wait until after, assuming she wouldn’t run and completely shut him out? Would she welcome the news that his father had taken care of her from afar? All these questions filled his head and sleep eluded him. He chose to keep himself busy editing photographs taken a few days before.


He opened a particular file stashed away with other personal photos and took a few moments to gaze at the image. It was his favorite photo of her-- a profile shot. Bella laughing at something Rosie had said. Bella’s face half-illuminated by a streak of light entering from the kitchen window. Her eyes shone brightly, her skin glowed and her nose crinkled ever so slightly. He loved this particular expression and wanted to see her smile like this all the time. It was in that moment, staring at the screen, he knew he wanted to be the reason she smiled for as long as she’d allow him.


...


The next morning ushered in new resolve for Bella. Looking out the window she could see the typical hazy fog that blanketed the island this time of year, but she knew that very soon, the veil would be lifted-- in more ways than one. Her recent dream had unnerved her; Edward’s words to her had nearly unraveled her. He wanted to talk. There was something he needed to say. Her thoughts wandered through mazes of possibilities, memories her mind had purposefully buried away in a forgotten corner, hidden from her heart. Could Edward really be that little boy? The more she thought about it, the more the two sides of her fought. It is him, she first thought. All this time, it’s been him. That was why she felt the undeniable pull. She felt an invisible string attached from one of her ribs to one of his, just like she had read in a book years ago, when Mr. Rochester explained his love for Jane Eyre.


Edward. Edward Rochester.


Bella rolled her eyes at her own ridiculousness.


But, no, it couldn’t be him. Too much time had passed. She was only nine, he not much older. She’d only spent a few hours with the boy before Gran picked her up and took her to her new life. Maybe she was just attaching Edward’s face and the feeling of connection to him to the little boy who talked to her about baseball games and school and his dad, the doctor. The doctor who was there that night tending to her.


There were still so many holes in her memory, she could barely remember being pulled out of the water. She couldn’t even remember how she had arrived at the hospital, let alone who had spoken to her, except for Gran and the boy. She couldn’t even remember what the doctor looked like. All she could recall were sensations, feelings, words spoken by a nice boy who had wanted to keep her company.


She shook her head in order to clear the thoughts away as she dressed and made her way downstairs, only pausing briefly in front of Edward’s door, wondering if she should knock and say good morning. She shook her head and ultimately chose to wait for him downstairs.


On the other side of the door, Edward sat on the edge of his bed, half dressed, staring at the wall in thought. He felt the effects of his sleepless night, and so did his hair, which was a rowdy mess from his hands pulling and tugging as his brain fought to organize the words that needed to be said today.


He still had no clue how to talk to her, had no idea how he could possibly tell her or how she would take it. But he was genuinely excited to have her all to himself today, if only for a short time before she found out everything and quite possibly exiled him.


He dressed quickly and gave himself a silent pep talk, taking one last look in the small mirror hanging next to the door.


Rosie noticed Bella’s trembling hands as she prepared sandwiches and placed snacks into a small picnic basket. Rosie took a moment to pause breakfast prep and wiped her hands on the towel attached to her apron. Rosie moved closer to Bella and rubbed her back in support.


“Bella, everything’s going to work out. Just listen to him; let him say what he needs to say. Keep an open mind. I have a feeling he’s got a lot bottled up and I truly believe he cares about you. I think he’s in love with you, Bella.”


Rosie eyed her cautiously, hoping Bella would accept her words. Rosie hoped Bella would allow herself to confess similar feelings to him. Rosie just wanted her friend to be happy for once, to live outside the confines of her own mental prison. She knew Bella would fight her on this opinion every step of the way, citing that she was happy and content to stay on the island. Rosie knew better, though. Bella’s memories had her shackled here, and she never allowed herself to see what could be awaiting her. Edward, Rosie believed, would be the perfect person to bring Bella out of stasis, and maybe even get her off this island once and for all.


Bella froze briefly at her friend’s words, smiled timidly, and nodded as she returned to her task, saying nothing else. Rosie knew she didn’t have to say anything more and went on with her cooking.


It was then that both ladies heard the familiar footsteps down the stairs. Bella turned to greet the person she knew was standing behind her, her breath catching at the sight of him.


She noticed how tired he looked, almost defeated. Her brow furrowed in concern and she looked at him questioningly. Edward didn’t want to put a damper on the day so he took a deep breath and immediately wore his usual lopsided grin and said his good mornings to the girls.


Bella worried he was having second thoughts about what happened last night. Maybe he’d shared those things because of the alcohol and now regretted it. But she didn’t have much time to think about it before Edward made his way to her side, grabbing a cup of coffee and watching her fill the basket with food and drink.


“You okay?” he said loud enough for only her to hear. He caught Rosie’s sideway glance, and when she looked directly at him, she nodded once in approval. He gave her a slight smile and returned his attention to Bella.


“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said, not looking up. “I’m ready to go when you are. Where exactly are we going?” Bella finally looked up and caught the slight mischief in his grin.


“It’s a surprise. Even though you probably know all about it, it’s new to me so you’ll find out when we get closer.”


Bella giggled lightly, and it was music to Edward’s ears. Maybe today wouldn’t be such a disaster after all.


As they rode in Bella’s truck towards the location Edward had found earlier during his stay, they chatted about nothing and everything. The awkwardness they had both anticipated never manifested, and they fell into easy conversation. They were both, however, battling with their own private storms; Bella’s mind kept returning to her dreams, wondering if the boy she saw in them was the man sitting right next to her. Edward tried to clear his mind, praying for the right words that would help her understand and not run away from him.


Once they arrived at the spot, Bella looked around, nodding knowingly at her surroundings as she exited the truck. Edward busily unloaded their stuff.


“How’d you find this place?”


“Uh, that day I left to explore and take some shots.” He shrugged.


“I used to come here a lot when I was a kid,” Bella said, taking the picnic basket from his hand while Edward slung a backpack over his shoulder.


“Figures you would know this place. So I guess you have a favorite spot? Lead the way,” Edward said, grinning, the sparkle in his eyes taking Bella’s breath away.


Bella started to move but before she could get far, she felt his warm hand lace itself in hers. She smiled timidly, lowering her face to the ground, knowing she must have been blushing furiously.


After setting up the picnic blanket among the tall grass and wildflowers of a huge clearing of land among the pines, they laid out all the food. Edward took out his camera, taking quick successive shots of their surroundings. Hiding behind the camera was like holding a security blanket to Edward. It gave him confidence and distracted him from the conversation he knew had to happen in a matter of minutes. The manila envelope was hidden in his backpack, and he could feel it mocking him, as if it held his entire destiny, and Bella’s, within its contents.


He continued taking shots, sneaking a few of Bella as the breeze blew wisps of her hair around her. She looked ethereal among the flowers and he knew this might be the last time she ever smiled at him.


Once they finished their lunch, Bella wiped the traces of apple pie from the side of her mouth with a napkin and asked the question Edward had been dreading. Up until now, he’d done a good job of stalling.


“So, what did you want to talk about, Edward?” Bella asked quietly, stealing a glance from under her lashes.


He coughed and set his plate down, sighing deeply. Bella’s stomach knotted anxiously, but she had to put herself out of her own misery and just know already.


Edward cleared his throat again nervously, before slowly taking out a large manila envelope and setting it on his lap.


“What is that?” she asked.


He sighed. “This. This is the real reason why I’m here.”


Edward’s cryptic words filled her with more uncertainty. He saw her confused expression and decided to man up.


“Bella, is there anything else you remember from the night of the accident?”


“What do you mean?”


“I mean, how much do you remember from the hospital room?”


Bella immediately felt butterflies, her breath starting to shorten.


“Why are you asking me this? What does it have to do with you?”


Edward noticed her pleading expression, but he was so afraid to speak the words. He took a deep breath, steeling himself.


“We’ve met before.”


Bella nervously stared at her fingers.


Her reaction confirmed to Edward that she did, in fact, remember something.


“But I have a feeling you already know that...”


Bella looked around, her gaze landing anywhere but on him. She spoke quietly, uncertain.


“I do... I mean, I think I did... I thought maybe it could be you...”


“Do you have any memory of that night at all? Something? A face, a name?” he asked slowly.


“I have dreams. Some of them very vivid. They’re mostly just passing images, smells, and sensations. Sometimes I see faces, and hear voices. The voices are usually my parents... from that night,” Bella sighed heavily, her voice shaking. “But ever since you arrived, there’s always a boy in my dream. I’m not quite sure if it really happened, or if my subconscious is just making it up... but, Edward, what I felt next to him...”


Bella shook her head, whispering, “it feels the same when I’m with you... that calm, the comfort. But, I figured I was just going crazy...”


“No.” Edward suddenly interrupted, grasping her hands in his and willing her to look at him.


“Bella, you’re not going crazy. That little boy was me. I was there, in the hospital with you. God, Bella, you looked so sad. For some strange reason I guess I was drawn to you. I’m still drawn to you,” he whispered, his breath coming in staccato bursts.


Bella paused suddenly when the thought occurred. “How.... how did you know I was here?”


Edward stared at her and breathed deeply, exhaling slowly before shedding another layer of the truth.


“Bella, my father was Dr. Cullen.”


Bella looked at him, confused, scrunching her brow as if deciphering a complicated problem.


“Who’s Dr. Cullen?”


“He was the doctor who treated you in the ER that night. Don’t you remember?”


She froze as the memory came flooding back like a tidal wave. She gasped.
.


“Hello there, Isabella. My name is Carlisle. But you can call me Dr. C. Can you tell me what hurts?”


Bella sat silent, looking ahead at the too-white wall.


“Bella, baby. You need to tell Dr. C. if something hurts. He’s here to help you,” Gran urged.


A small, warm hand covered hers, breaking through her haze. When she turned to the source, the little boy with the baseball cap and green eyes smiled cautiously.


“You can tell him, Bella. He’s a good doctor.”
.


“Yes! I remember now. He introduced himself to me, but he only referred to himself as Dr. C. at the time. Then, Gran came in and called him Dr. Cullen. Why didn’t I remember that until now?” She spoke the words aloud, but meant them for herself. Bella’s hand covered her open mouth.


“I don’t know. I guess maybe you were so in shock that night, trauma and all that...” Edward shrugged.


She suddenly realized he hadn’t really answered her question. “That doesn’t explain how you found me.”


Edward agreed. “You’re right. This is going to sound a little weird, I know . . . But Dr. Cullen, my father, kept an eye on you over the years. I assume he had some kind of agreement with your grandmother...”


“Wait, what? Agreement? What type of agreement? What would he care? I was nothing to him, just a patient.”


“Apparently not. I don’t know why he took an interest with you, Bella. I never really asked a lot of questions after that night. But this,” Edward said, picking up the envelope and holding it out for her to take, “this should explain more.”


Bella stared at the large envelope for a moment before glancing at Edward. He looked so pained, she feared what lay inside. She took the envelope and began to open it, confused at the first document she skimmed over.


“What is this?” She looked at him askance.


“It’s a certified copy of my father’s Last Will and Testament. As I understand it, he left you a portion of his estate.”


Bella felt her heart race as she read the words that would most certainly change everything. She had no idea why this stranger, this doctor, would place her in his will, sharing parts of his wealth he should give to his family. Suddenly, she had a truly horrid thought.


“Oh, God. Edward, are we... are you, related to me somehow?”


Edward saw her panicked eyes and shook his head quickly, easing her mind.


“Oh, no... NO! We’re not related in the least. Dad’s attorney made sure of it using DNA records.”


Bella nodded, taking in the information as her eyes drifted to a stack of newspaper clippings-- every single one of them about the accident. There were also school pictures, one for every year she spent with Gran. How did he have these? Why was he so interested in Bella’s life, and why hadn’t Gran told her anything about this? And now that she knew Edward knew everything about the will, what was he really doing here? What did he want? She felt herself getting angry and quickly stood up, the papers spilling and spreading over the blanket.


Bella paced erratically through the tall grass and wildflowers; a tense juxtaposition of anger, fear, and helplessness against the natural backdrop meant to inspire peace and tranquility. Edward, wide-eyed, speechless, and completely out of his element, followed Bella’s form as she created a path of trampled flora, looking up when sudden rumbles companioned rolling dark clouds. Bella didn’t appear to notice the small droplets of rain descending as if the sky had reacted to their revelations and shed tears of empathy. Bella froze suddenly and whipped around, her gaze strong and distressed. Her anger rose exponentially.


“Why the hell did you wait until now to tell me all this, Edward? Wa... was this a trick? Were you hoping to get me under your spell and in my pants and take this all away from me?! Was this all a ploy to gain my trust? What were you going to do? Make me fall for you so you could steal from me? Sweet-talk me into giving this back to you?” Bella’s voice rose at each syllable, her desperate ramblings and emotions making her spill every unspoken feeling she’d bottled up all this time.


“Because if that’s all you want, you can have all of it! I don’t want it! I’ve lived without it all this time! I never earned that money, so I could care less for it so you can just take it! I don’t need it! And I certainly don’t need YOU!” She shouted and turned to walk quickly through the now pelting rain back to the car.


“Shit!” Edward groaned to himself. “Bella! Stop! You don’t understand!” He yelled, picking up all the strewn papers and folding them into the inside pocket of his jacket. His feet automatically chased after her. “BELLA!”


“No! I won’t do this! You tricked me this whole time! And to think I almost...” She growled at loud at her own stupidity and clenched her fists tight against her thighs.


“Bella, I didn’t come here to take anything away from you! I didn’t even know what was in that will until the lawyer presented it after my dad died! Goddammit, Bella, Stop!” He managed to catch up enough to grab her arm and make her turn around. They stood feet away from the truck.


They were both panting hard and completely drenched, their exhalations spraying the droplets from their lips. His green eyes stared her down.


“I fell in love with you! I wasn’t expecting to, at all. My father expressly named me the messenger for all this, and fuck if I know why!” He emphasized his words by waving the papers in front of her face. She shook her head, her eyes accusatory but electric in her passion.


“I was curious, okay?! That much is true. When I saw your name on the papers, and all the articles, I put two and two together and I wanted to see you. To see if you had turned out okay. If you did everything you told me you wanted to do with your life so many years ago. Dammit, Bella, I never imagined I would fall in love with you! I don’t want ANY of this. It’s not mine. He gave it to you! For whatever reason! But that is totally separate from what I feel for you.”


The thunder rumbled through the air, its echo resounding through the expansive field. Though the rain fell loudly and penetrated through their clothing, neither of them moved. Bella panted, glaring at the man she’d fallen for. His wild hair lay plastered against his forehead like little roots searching for earth, darkened by the water. His green eyes spoke volumes as he stared back, silently pleading for her to let him in.


Bella stood frozen in place, warring with the need to be angry and protect her heart with the desperate need to touch him, to make him real. Edward, realizing the futility of his attempts to keep the documents dry under his coat, made to step around her to put them safely in the truck. The action brought his body so close to hers, his heat engulfed her every sense. She instinctively turned her head toward his face, and when she heard the door close behind her, she brushed her lips against his jaw as he moved, attempting to give her space. It took him seconds to realize she didn’t want space at all.


Their lips crashed together, hard and painful, but neither would ever pull away... not now. The floodgates had opened, the hard rain the elemental complement to their bodies’ reactions. His strong hands immediately pulled her firmly against him as her hands tugged at the wet, clumpy strands of his hair. As she pulled him impossibly closer, he pushed forward, making her stumble backwards until her body pressed up against the side of the truck.


Their moans and groans were completely drowned out by the sound of the storm around them, and they both clawed at too much clothing to feel the hot skin below. When Edward’s hand finally made the journey to her jean-clad thigh to hitch it up around his waist, Bella’s hands roughly tugged and pulled at his coat, wanting nothing between them. Edward understood her silent message and quickly shrugged out of the coat, which flopped heavy and wet onto the saturated earth.


Needing to breathe, he detached from her lips and descended to her neck, his mouth sucking and licking the water off her skin until he reached the valley of her breasts. Bella looked at him, his shirt clinging to his lean muscles as he attempted to remove her heavy jeans. She had enough sense to help him, and when they finally slipped down the cold rain chilled her heated skin, goosebumps blooming all over.


Edward’s hands skimmed her naked thighs before lifting her up, cradling her ass. Her legs swiftly wrapped around him as he pushed to grind his need against hers. Bella let out a gasp, calling his name before burying her face in the crook of his neck, kissing him over and over again. When she felt him trying to take his pants off one-handed while keeping her safely perched against him, her hands went to the place she wanted and swatted his hand away. His hand went back to holding her as their foreheads connected, looking down towards her task. When she finally pulled his jeans down enough to reach into his boxers, the sudden feeling of her cold hand around his length almost made his knees buckle. He gasped against her chest, his hot breath spurring her on as she wrapped her hand around him and pumped once to just feel the smooth hardness.


“Oh God...Bella...” he panted against her breast which he had freed by roughly nudging the fabric aside with his nose. His lips quickly found her hardened nipple and pulled it into his mouth, sucking erratically and moaning. The combination of his rough stubble and the vibrations against her skin made Bella’s hips grind against him and after that, everything was a blur.


Bella freed him the rest of the way and guided him to where she needed him most. He felt her wet and slick at her entrance and spared no time before pushing inside. Bella gasped loudly, her hands gripping his head tightly, pulling his mouth closer to her body. Not close enough. Ever.


Bella could hear him make little grunting sounds coupled with quiet groans in the back of his throat. He sounded so desperate with need, almost exactly the way she felt. They both reached a perfect rhythm together; his movements were urgent and her hips met his every thrust. No words were spoken, just the sounds of their noises mixed with the thundering storm.


When Bella started to feel her insides tighten, all coherent thought flew out the window. She tugged on his hair, bringing his lips to hers. She only intended to kiss him, but when she saw his dark-green eyes staring back at her with such passion and need, she swallowed thickly and calmed him with her words.


“It’s okay. I want this... Oh God, help me... I want this...” she confessed against his lips. With that, Edward burst with sudden confidence and pushed into her with more fervor. They continued to move, faster and harder, their eyes never leaving the other’s gaze.


Bella gasped his name as her orgasm surged through her with such intensity she wondered if she blacked out a moment. She realized she was fully present when she felt Edward push into her a few more times out of sync and then still, burying his head against her neck. His breath came hard and hot against her wet skin. She felt his lips spread feather-light kisses there as his hands loosened, allowing her to slowly lower her shaky feet to the muddy ground.


Nothing was said, but a single look that passed between them was enough to communicate everything. After the initial high had subsided, they silently composed themselves before Edward guided her to sit in the passenger seat of the truck with the heat turned on. He jogged to the trunk gathering towels and handing Bella one to dry and keep herself warm.


“I’ll be right back,” he said. And with that Edward ran to the picnic sight, gathering the abandoned wet items and throwing them all in the trunk upon returning.


On the quiet drive back, Bella turned her face towards the window to watch the trees speed by. Her thoughts came all muddled, and she wasn’t going to attempt to think clearly. She was cold, teeth chattering, and spent.


Edward focused on the road, maneuvering carefully through the sheeting rain. When he glanced over to see Bella, he noticed her trembling. Without another thought, he reached out and pulled her to his side. She turned to him as if it were the most natural occurrence and tucked herself under his arm, which wrapped around her shoulders. She sighed into his wet shirt, the heat of her breath causing him to shiver.


“You’re cold.”


“So are you.”


Bella took another large towel from the backseat and draped it over the both of them. Edward turned to press his lips into her wet hair as he drove.


When they arrived at the house, they wordlessly crept upstairs, sharing shy smiles, nervous as to what would happen now. Bella wondered if what had happened was simply the beginning of the end for them, a goodbye. The fear of being without him now threatened to make her crumble. Those fears however, were pushed aside when Edward took her hand in his and pulled her into his room, his adoring eyes assuring her it wasn’t over yet.