Bella’s eyes fluttered open at the sound of soft, sleepy breathing and the rhythmic spurts of warm breath against her neck. The room was dark, the new day not yet making itself known, and for that Bella was grateful. It meant a few more hours of the oblivious bubble she found herself in within Edward’s arms. Her mind retraced the events of just a few hours before: Edward’s confession about his real purpose for being here, her realization that Edward’s father had been her doctor on that horrible night and had for some reason left her a portion of his estate, and finally the most frightening revelation of all-- Edward was in love with her.
After the whirlwind moment when they gave in to each other under the deluge, Edward took her into his room and took care of her-- undressing her and starting a warm shower, where they silently washed each other and just embraced under the spray. He then wrapped her in a soft towel and did the same for himself. Words did not need to be uttered; they both felt speaking would break the spell they were under, and the conversation they needed to have would come whether they liked it or not.
Edward’s divinely heavy arms pulled her body against his more firmly in his sleep and it served to wake her desire as his firmness pushed against her back. Her body pushed back without her permission before she lifted her hand to grasp at the back of his head. Edward inhaled suddenly at the feel of her, kissing the back of her neck and letting his hands roam her bare skin.
His body answered every call hers made, and pretty soon she turned to face him before he lifted his weight to hover over her. Their sleepy eyes met and locked when he parted her legs with his and lowered himself to her. Bella couldn’t take her eyes off his as his hand trailed from her cheek to her collarbone until his fingers traced the contour of her breast, his lips traveling the same path. She shivered when he breathed hotly over her nipple before his mouth covered it completely. Her hips involuntarily lifted, grinding deliciously against him.
“Bella...”
It was nothing but a whisper on her skin, but it was loud in her need and in her heart. Her hands delved in his hair, pulling him to meet her lips as his hand continued its journey to where she needed him the most. When his fingers met the wetness of her folds, she breathed a “yes...” into his mouth. His other hand found its way around her waist until he could pull her body closer as his fingers moved towards her entrance.
Bella gasped against his jaw when his hand left her wanting. She needed closer... closer... more...
“Please...”
And with that Edward was inside her, and everything else melted away. They both stopped breathing for a moment while he stilled his movements just to feel her. Yesterday, although wonderful and completely consuming, happened too fast. He had wanted her again as soon as he pulled her into his room, but had reigned in the need and cared for her instead, focusing on their silent communication.
This was so very different. He wanted to savor every inch of her-- her skin, her body, her heat, her eyes that had haunted him his whole life-- to record every millisecond of her and this to memory. He pushed the overwhelming sadness he knew he’d have to deal with when the sun came up and focused instead on feeling her encompass every part of him. Being inside her was something he never wanted to forget, nor could he... ever. It was too good, too perfect, too much.
Edward moved slowly in and out of her, and Bella completely surrendered to his every touch and sound. They kissed languidly, his forearm holding his weight as the other pulled her waist against him, plunging deeper every time. Their rhythm was like the ebb and flow of the water surrounding the island, swelling and receding. But Bella wanted more... needed more.
“Edward... more... oh God, please...” she whispered.
It was enough to make Edward unleash his control, speeding up his movements until they were both on the brink. Bella fell first, shuddering around him and gasping for his air. When she felt his movements falter, she grabbed his face in her hands and looked right into his eyes.
“Kiss me.”
His lips crashed into hers as his climax overtook every cell in his body. Everything was her. Everything that mattered was her.
They lay spent and heavy as Edward pulled her against his chest, wrapping one arm around her tightly while the other traced the skin of her arm that fell across his chest, her hand resting on his thundering heart.
“Stay,” Edward whispered.
“I live here.” Bella whispered back, hoping to lighten the weighted atmosphere. Edward chuckled faintly.
“I mean... don’t leave here. Stay with me.”
“I know what you meant. And I’m not going anywhere. We still have a lot to talk about,” she spoke against his chest.
Neither one of them acknowledged the elephant in the room; his time with her was coming to an end, and she still had no idea where she stood with him, nor with his father. Neither of them could bring themselves to talk about it now, and before too long, they both drifted off to sleep.
....
A tiny sliver of light shone through Edward’s room, falling onto his closed eyes. He did not find this welcoming and he turned and went searching for the softness and warmth of the body that had kept him grounded and dreamless. He found nothing but the chilled smoothness of empty sheets and panicked briefly before he heard light sniffling across the room near his window.
Bella’s gathered form was silhouetted against the slowly brightening sky as she sat-- arm around her folded knees-- in the chair next to his desk. He noticed a sheet of paper in her hand, but she was not looking at it; her gaze was cast out over the expanse of misty trees and glassy water.
Edward rose, putting on a pair of pajama pants he obtained from the dresser, and went to her, noticing she was wearing one of his shirts. The thought of her wrapped in his clothes made him smile.
“Hey, you okay?”
Bella startled momentarily but quickly recovered, smiling apologetically.
“I hope I didn’t wake you.”
“Only because you weren’t there.”
Their eyes met for a beat, and she moved her legs closer to herself, silently offering a space for him to sit.
“What do you have there?” Edward asked, pointing to the papers in her grasp.
“It’s a letter. To me... Your father wrote me a letter,” she said slowly, her voice slightly faltering.
Edward immediately thought of the small envelope among the documents. It was addressed to her in Dad’s writing. He knew what she was reading, although he had no idea as to its contents.
“Do you know what’s in this?” Bella asked in a whisper.
“No idea.”
They stared at each other for another moment as Edward gathered the strength to ask another important question.
“Is it something I need to know? I mean... only if you want to share with me. It’s your letter, and it’s really none of my business... I just...”
“It’s okay, Edward. Here...” Bella held out the letter towards him while turning her head again towards the window. Edward hesitated taking it, wondering if it was something he should really be reading. If this letter was to her, and Carlisle had been specific as to its intended recipient, maybe it wasn’t his place. But when Bella turned to him once more with an insistent expression, he put all doubts out of his mind. She wanted him to read it; she was letting him in. He would do as she asked.
As he took in his father’s familiar, carefully ordered penmanship he noticed the date. It was written before he became so ill he couldn’t write anymore. The date indicated it was around the time his father had been diagnosed. And with that, he read on.
Dearest Isabella,
I’m quite sure you don’t remember me. My name is Dr. Carlisle Cullen, and I was the attending physician the night you were brought in after your accident so many years ago.
That night had been a particularly quiet night in the ER. I wasn’t actually supposed to still be there when the ambulance came in carrying a very scared and traumatized little girl. When I heard the details from the paramedics at the scene, I couldn’t pull myself away. When saw you, all pale and scared, and in shock, I knew I had to stay and help.
When your grandmother rushed through the doors, however, I realized my life was about to change. I didn’t know your grandmother personally, but I knew of her. At first glance, I had no idea who she was. But when she mentioned her name, I nearly collapsed.
Marie Swan.
I’m sure you’d like to know the reason for this letter so I’ll get to the heart of the matter. I met Renee Higgenbotham in my high school English class. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I was shy and had no idea how to approach her, but luckily I didn’t have to; she was outgoing enough for the both of us. Her spirit and her fire were intoxicating, and within a week she had introduced herself and invited me to study with her.
One thing lead to another and we became close. I was very much in love with her and I’d like to think she was in love with me. But of course, young love always comes with a price. I came from a very important family-- a family with many connections-- and when my parents got wind of my relationship with your mother, I was quickly sent away to boarding school.
Edward paused. He couldn’t believe what he was reading.
“Your mother?”
Bella nodded, her eyes fixed on the hazy view out the window. “Keep reading.”
Edward’s pulse raced as he did just that.
You see, she did not have the type of “connections” that were suitable for the son of a Cullen. I was completely heartbroken. Your mother was my life, Isabella, and I would’ve made it my mission to make her happy.
My parents gave me one day to spend with Renee. We said our goodbyes and I stood there, watching her cry and fall apart, all because of me. We promised to correspond through letters, which we did for the first year. Then, your mother sent me one final letter.
She’d met someone. A boy in her freshman Humanities course at the university. Charlie-- you’re father. She wrote that he was kind, generous, and a good friend. They had already gone on a few dates together; it was her way of letting me down easy, I suppose. But I wasn’t upset. I was truly happy for her. I wanted her to find happiness, and since there was no way I would ever be allowed to give that to her, I was content with letting her go into the arms of someone who could. We never heard from each other again. I heard from mutual friends years later that she married that boy and had a baby girl. I moved on and married my wonderful wife, Esme. I never looked back. Things happened as they should have.
Many years later, the past came back in the form of a broken little nine-year-old girl with her mother’s heart-shaped face and hair.You were a mini version of your mother, and somehow I just knew who you were. The paramedics mentioned fatalities, and when your grandmother told me who she was-- Swan, Renee’s married name, it solidified everything I feared. My first love-- your mother along with your father-- had died, and Fate left you in this world, all by yourself. I couldn’t bear the thought.
Then, I saw my son, Edward there with you in that little room, and through the thin curtains I heard the innocent conversation of children, and I knew you were okay. My son has always been a gentle, calming soul. I think he changed after that day. He had a different determination, a different purpose. I saw him mature in a blink of an eye, and I knew it had everything to do with you.
Edward felt the sting of tears welling up, amazed that his father had carried this with him all these years. He had been so perceptive. Edward read on.
I was able to speak with Marie about helping somehow. I told her who I was and my connections to your mother and even though she was reluctant at first, she knew she would have difficulties providing for you. Her small inn could only provide the basics for you growing up. I made sure you had the things that would enrich your life. Over the years, your grandmother sent me yearly letters with your school picture, updating me on the many wonderful things you accomplished. I was so very proud of you. I could tell my son-- always the curious one-- wanted to know why I had your pictures, but he never questioned me. I think his way of connecting with you was through his photography. I still remember how you’d described why you liked to take pictures so much to Edward. I cannot get over how affected he was by you.
I helped your grandmother pay for your college education. And don’t worry, my wife knew all about it and encouraged me to help you. None of this was done in secret. Esme is a wonderful, caring person, whom I hope you will have the chance to meet someday. I also helped Marie set up her finances so that upon her death, the mortgage to the inn would be forgiven. I’m hoping it will alleviate any financial difficulties you might come across in the future, or give you some comfort without worries.
Finally, I named my son the executer of this portion of my will. I always wondered what would happen if you two found each other again. Something tells me you will both need each other, in whatever capacity that need might be. Edward’s a good man, Isabella. The best. And not because he’s my son. He’s a good soul.
I hope what I’ve bequeathed to you will help you live in peace. Your mother was a big part of my life, and I do this in her honor. Please accept it.
Sincerely,
Dr. Carlisle Cullen
Edward’s thoughts were a muddled mess of tangled emotions, questions, shock, and revelations. He lived his young life wondering why his father had pictures of Bella scattered on his desk-- what his connection to her could be-- but never confronted him. Part of his resistance stemmed from a fear it would be something he didn’t want to know; therefore, he chose to hold on to the idealized memory rather than risk its destruction. He mused over how things would’ve been so different had he known from early on.
Edward had also made certain guesses as to the contents of that letter. But he’d never imagined the backstory of his father’s first love. When he looked up at Bella, she was gazing at him, eyes wide and wary. He wondered what she must be thinking and feeling.
“Did you know?” Her voice was careful, barely a whisper.
Edward’s eyes widened and shook his head slowly. “Not at all.”
Bella nodded once in acceptance before sighing deeply.
“It seems your father is posthumously playing matchmaker,” Bella smiled sadly.
Edward mirrored her smile and shook his head, looking down.
“How long have you been sitting here?”
“Not too long. I couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to wake you.”
Bella had awakened in the early morning hours wrapped up in Edward’s arms, his body protectively contoured against hers. There had been no nightmares. None. She couldn’t remember the last time that had happened. Without rousing Edward, who seemed dead to the world, she rose and used the bathroom, momentarily glancing at the reflection in the mirror. Her hair was disheveled, her lips swollen from his mouth, teeth, and lips. The image before her brought a slight smile to her face, but it was short-lived. Edward’s impending departure from here, from her life, was looming and quite frankly she refused to confront the sadness she knew she would feel when the time came to say goodbye.
Before making her way back to him and the safety of his arms, she caught sight of the documents he’d held in his hand the day before. There they sat upon his desk, crinkled and rumpled from the rain. Her feet carried her to them, one envelope in particular attracting her like a magnet. When she saw it was sealed and addressed to her, she perched herself on the chair and opened the letter carefully. As she read, she was stunned. The words melded into a story of first love and heartbreak; two people who should’ve been together and were never allowed to. She thought about her mother as a young girl and how sad she must’ve been when Carlisle left her, and this made Bella silently tearful.
Edward rose and stood before her, offering his hand. She looked up and noticed the sadness in his beautiful eyes as she took it, allowing him to pull her gently to her feet.
“Come back to bed,” he said quietly, brushing her tears from her beautiful face.
And so she did.
Edward drew Bella to him, his arms encasing her in comfort. She nuzzled into the crook of his neck and inhaled his scent. She could stay here forever. This was peace to her, and she just wanted a few more moments of it before it all dissolved.
“What are you thinking?” Edward mumbled against her forehead before kissing her there.
She sighed and tightened her hold on him. “I don’t know what to think, honestly. I don’t think I should accept your dad’s offer, however generous.”
“Somehow I knew you’d say that. But think of it this way; he actually did it in your mother’s honor, almost like his way of setting things right.”
“I don’t want to be pitied.”
Edward kissed her temple and replied against her skin. “Trust me, no one pities you. You live in a beautiful place with lots of peace around you”
“Edward, I haven’t felt peace in a very, very long time.” Bella paused.
“Until last night.”
She felt him smile against her, which made a flurry of emotions stir in her stomach.
“Is that so? No nightmares?”
“None. And for the first time, I feel a huge weight has been lifted.”
“I hope I’ve had something to do with that?”
“You have everything to do with that, Edward. It’s just...”
Edward leaned away to look at her upon feeling her hesitation.
“What?”
“I know you’re leaving,” Bella said quietly, looking down toward her fidgety fingers.
Edward tried to think of the proper response to make things easier. He didn’t want to leave at all. But he knew he wasn’t going to be able to stick around all the time. He had a life in Seattle. Being able to be with her here was contingent on the stars aligning just so. But since he didn’t know how to get to that point, he couldn’t ease her mind. And it killed him.
“I’m not leaving yet. I still have a few days.” He lifted her chin to see her face, her bottomless brown eyes filled with equal parts sadness and contentment.
“Come with me on my last assignment,” he said, the idea coming to him suddenly.
“What? Where’s your last assignment?”
“Whale watching, chartering a boat off of San Juan’s coast.”
Bella immediately deflated, knowing it was impossible.
“I can’t.” She shook her head vehemently. Edward was clearly confused.
“Why not?”
She looked down again, squirming away from him to sit up.
“I don’t like the water.”
There was a long pause before Edward responded. “I don’t understand.”
“I can’t be on the water... it’s just... I have...” She sighed, frustrated with her inability to communicate how messed up she was.
“Ever since... you know. I have issues with water, and boats, and... I can’t...” Bella began to breathe heavily before Edward suddenly understood. He quickly sat up and took her in his arms.
“Shit. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I even brought it up. I never thought... shit. Breathe, Bella. Please. Are you okay?” His hands cupped her face, her shoulders, wanting nothing more than to take it all away from her. He bent down slightly to meet her eyes.
Bella calmed her breathing enough on her own. Edward’s eyes were so intense, his expression so desperate, she found herself comforting him.
“Hey, don’t worry about me. I’ve been dealing with this for a long time.”
“Did you... you know... ever try...” Edward felt embarrassed to even ask.
“Therapy?” Bella smiled shyly. “Yes. Gran sent me to a shrink in town a few times. It kinda helped, but I couldn’t shake the fear away. Eventually I just stopped going. I haven’t tried again since then.”
Suddenly Edward thought of something.
“What if you took baby steps?”
Bella looked at him cautiously. “Baby steps?”
Edward’s fingers caressed her the line of her jaw as his thumbs felt the smooth skin of her cheek.
“I’m just saying... maybe you just need someone there to help you. Have you ever tried to go to the shore or on the ferries with someone?”
“Um, no. I kind of gave up and decided I didn’t want to deal with the panic attacks.”
Edward thought some more before responding. Bella gazed at him intently, trying to decipher his thoughts.
“What if you went with me?” he mumbled.
Bella shook her head. “I... I don’t know...
“Do you trust me?”
“Well, yes. Yes, I do,” Bella replied.
“Then, just try. Try with me. If you can’t do it, then I’ll back off. But Bella, you can’t trap yourself here for the rest of your life. You live on an island, and you can’t always take a seaplane everywhere. At some point, the water has to be a part of your life again.”
Bella looked at Edward, admiring his sudden conviction. He wanted to Bella confront her past and move on. She didn’t want to fail him.
“Okay,” Bella whispered. Edward’s smile grew and he leaned toward her, pressing his lips to hers. The kiss was at first sweet and tentative, but soon morphed into the same passionate exchange from before. Edward gently pushed her down towards the mattress and hovered over her, laying open-mouthed kisses on her jaw and neck. Bella reveled in feeling his weight on her body, lacing her fingers through his hair and pulling him toward her. She felt Edward smile before whispering right next to her ear.
“I won’t let you fall. I love you.”
Goosebumps flourished all over her body, and she smiled. Somehow, she knew she wouldn’t fall.
A/N: One of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. Fits perfectly with this chapter.
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